Wednesday, January 28, 2009


My new vocation, Church Guy. The most revered and the most reverend Preacher Bob watching over his flock at the Cow Town Church of Budweiser.

This whole thing came to me after a night's drinking and that last can of Bud. Ever hear the song, One Bud Wiser? Well shucks, that when I done seen the light. Hallelujah!

As leader of the Church of Budweiser I have all sorts of duties. They're not the regular duties your religious leaders have. In Cow Town we do things differently and worship in ways you've never even thought of.

For one I grant divorces. The divorce I grant is much quicker than any divorce you'd ever see. It takes about three nights for it to go through. The divorce process begins on the first night with my having drinks, chicken wings and dinner with the wife. Then we play ball and I see which base I'm on at the end of the night. If I hit a home run on the first night there's no need for night number two or three of the divorce process . . . that is unless I feel the need for another game of "hard ball".

One way or another after three nights the divorce is final. As for the property settlement and who gets the kids . . . well hell, if you get a divorce from the Church of Budweiser the man always gets everything plus he gets an alimony and child support check from the old lady on the first of every month. It's the law!

A marriage in the church is nearly the same process as the divorce process. Preacher Bob gets in on everything.

Then there are the circumcisions in the church. Ever see those Ginsu knife commercials? Well, that would be pretty much how Preacher Bob slices and dices a foreskin . . . like you've never seen before. Damn, those are fun! It brings everyone to tears.

Now we're talking baptism. Big tub. Filled to the brim with Bud. Mugs for everyone. No dunking anyone in the beer 'cause that would be sacrilegious.

Communion in the Church of Budweiser brings new meaning to the term "religious experience". Communion in most churches involves wine and wafers. In Preacher Bob's house it's a shot of tequila washed down with a Bud and a chicken wing. Ever see the film The Blues Brothers and the scene in the church? We play that kind of music during communion. That's what I'm talking about: An honest to goodness Cow Town religious experience.

Our church has guest preachers when I'm too hung over from Saturday night drinking. This Sunday I know I'll be arms around the toilet bowl so Pamela Anderson will be our preacher lady. The Church of Budweiser has also had Bridgett Marquardt (Hef's girlfriend until this last October), Christina Aguilera (on how Naked Night has kept her marriage together), Jennifer Anniston (preached on How Brad was the Pits), Britney Spears (who spoke on why it's not important for the rug to match the drapes), and Homer Simpson who's sermon, "How Beer and Donuts Saved My Life" literally brought down the house. We're a fun group.

If there's a NASCAR race, football game or another important sporting event on while there's church services you can count on the 6 Jumbo-tron TV's being on. At the door we hand out wireless headsets so our guys can listen to the game and tune out my stupid ass sermons. Dudes, we got you covered.

In case you live too far to join the Cow Town Church of Budweiser you can start your own. Begin with making your own sign by heading for the Internet site listed right under my sign. The rest will fall into place.


Oh, and a special thanks to son Max for the idea for this most religious post.

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Jes said...

I'm ready for my communion!!

Bob said...

Jes: Well heck, swing by Cowtown during your road trip and we'll do it!

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Whiskeytown Lake, Very Northern California, United States