I CAN SPIT BULLETS!

Have you had a colonoscopy? You've been sedated, right?

Meet the guy who has had two colonoscopy's cold turkey. Yup. Nothing. No drugs. No nothing. True story.

Why? Well, I wanted to stay awake and see if that anal thing was something I wanted to pursue in this life.

I am personally acquainted with the physician doing the procedure. Knowing me as he does, this doc understands what it means to be Bob. Being Bob is an attitude of "Shit? Why not?!" when it comes to all things stupid.

The procedures without medication are all pretty easy until the scope hits a major bend in the road.

Top right of the diagram IS the first bend which always gets from me a:

WHOA NELLIE! HOLY MACARONI AND CHEESE, TAKE IT EASY, SLOW DOWN, WILL YOU?!

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, JOHN HOLMES?!!!! SCOPE IT, DON'T REAM IT!

Damn, that's a sharp turn. About that time I always start to sweat.

The last major turn and you know that you're in the stretch. By the second turn I'm really sweating and ready to swear off all things anal. Usually the doc must goes around the corner with the scope and just peers down the alley. He does not go further.

At the commence of this procedure I joke with the doc. I ask if if he wouldn't mind putting a piece of chewing gum on the end of the scope. He always asks, "And why would I want to do that, Bob?" Big emphasis on the word Bob.

Me: When I start chewing then you know that you've gone far enough.

I'm due for scope number three. It's been five years. I can hardly wait to chew gum once more.

Betcha don't know anyone as stupid as Bob.