BOYS ARE ALWAYS BOYS

The other evening one of our kids called to speak to me. Seems that one of their step children who resides out of town was caught making napalm.

At first I was concerned as it seemed this boy and his friends had set a structure on fire. When I learned the boys were "only" making napalm it became no big deal to me.

Burning crap, making bombs, setting traps - everything weird . . . that's what boys do best.

Most women don't understand what makes men tick nor do they understand why boys and men do weird things. And yes, men sure as hell don't understand women. But that's another story . . . that men are from Mars and women from Venus thing.

As a lad I made pipe bombs with my cousins and lived to tell about it. At 9 years of age my brother loved to take bullets and make them explode by hitting them with a hammer. Both my brother and I delighted in putting bullets in the burn barrel and the fireplace. Gasoline, matches, gun powder - anything flamable were like a toys to me and my friends. We were always doing something ultra destructive with those things.

Important facts: No one was ever close to being hurt. Nothing was ever burned down (but it was close a couple of times).

Once in a while I get my kicks by playing Caddy Shack. Remember that film? Whenever there are gophers or moles in the lawn I get out my favorite toy, The Giant Destroyer! No gopher or mole is safe when Old Bob goes to war.

The Giant Destroyer is basically a smoke bomb. Uncover the hole made by the rodent, light the Giant Destroyer, place it in the hole and cover it with dirt. You can buy Giant Destroyers at Ace Hardware.

As a school administrator lighting Giant Destroyers in the name of saving the school's turf from gopher damage was the highlight of the day. Kids, parents, teachers thought Bob's screw was loose when I went to war against gophers armed with Giant Destroyers.

We had a older man at the school who was hired to kill gophers. He set traps. He put Juicy Fruit gum down the gopher holes. It was his notion that any gopher who ate the gum would die as he believed that the Juicy Fruit would mess up their digestive tract.

If nothing else, the school's gophers had sweet breath.

There's been a mole in my lawn for nearly a year. He comes. He goes. He makes me think that I've finally gotten him.

Yesterday was the last straw. At 9 yesterday morning there were two mounds of dirt in the lawn. Mr. Mole had been busy the night before. It was time for decisive action and Weapons of Mass Destruction.

I had a plan.

Step One: Place water hose down the hole, turn it on full blast for 30 minutes.

Step Two: Wait 30 minutes for the gopher to think all is fine - IF he survived the flood of water.

Step Three: Place a Giant Destroyer down the hole. Cover the hole with dirt.

I loved yesterday. Such pleasure. Such fun. I felt whole. It was like being 11 years old again and igniting my first pipe bomb! :)

If you're a woman, I don't expect you to understand or appreciate any of this. Boys are always going to be boys regardless of age.

Heaven help the gopher if there are more mounds in the lawn this morning. If there are piles of dirt on the lawn I'll say out loud,

"Mr Gopher? Of course you know this means war!"