Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Make Mine Milk

Make mine milk.  Mike does a body good.  Got milk?  All things healthy driven home today by an Associated Press article regarding a study which findings suggest that hundreds of deaths and many more costly illnesses each year from health problems that breast feeding may help prevent.  End quote.  True story about the need for infants to be breast fed.

Back it in the day it was not cool to breast feed infants. Only poor folks did it 'cause they could not afford formula.  Yes, that's true.   I was one of those poor deprived kids who had a bottle shoved in his face and not mom's tit.    Maybe it is not too late, as the saying goes, to suck up a little mother's milk and get healthy.   Hmm.  I'm thinking that breast milk in the name of good health just can't be just for babes in diapers.  Why can't everyone benefit, especially the male species? 

It's tough to decide where best to find this miracle milk.....whether to get it fresh, off the "farm", or buy it by the can or bottle or in some other form.  Does anyone bottle it? 

It's like you just can't go up to a lactating mother and ask, "Can I have some of that?"  This would be a ticket to the slammer big time or a slap in the face, kick in the ass and a scream for help. 

There's a chef in Oregon who recently made cheese from his wife's breast milk.  Lord, where do I find all of this meaningful information?   Maybe I should make contact with this chef, ask him to cut the cheese and send me a bit all in the name of good health. 

Or, maybe I can turn Mormon, take on a few more wives, get them to big time lactating and enjoy the fruits of these so called labors.  Gawd, more than one wife would definitely cause Bob to go insane but he'd be one healthy nut all due to wonderfully, healthy breast milk.

I understand that some love the taste of that stuff.  Frankly, the thought of drinking breast milk leaves me a bit cold.  I'm a thinking that if I ever did that . . . consume breast milk, it would be from a woman who ate a lot of chocolate or drank a lot of beer.  Now that's bound to be tasty.

If drinking breast milk becomes the holy grail of health, milk bars may spring up all over America.  It would be likely that anyone could step up to the milk bar, order their favorite brand lactation and chug-a-lug.  As in any bar there would be singing.   Lots of it.  Like, 99 breasts on the wall, 99 breasts full of milk.  If one of those jugs happen to fall, 98 breasts on the wall.  Like that. 

James Bond ordered his martinis as I do:  Shaken, not stirred.  In a breast milk bar it would be exactly the same:

Mr Bob, how would you like your milk?

Me:  Shaken, not stirred with a twist, please. 

Breast milk might bring back our faltering economy.  It could be a brand new cottage industry.  Wall Street would sell stocks in benefit of the varying milk suppliers.  Brand names like Hind Tit, Mama Dog, Mostly Lactate, Wasn't His Kid, Knocked Up, Big Squirt, Here's Milk in Your Eye, Now That's a Rack and Holy Shit Knockers would become big names on the Exchange.  We'd all want to buy stock and drink up.

Think milk farms.  Each farm would have a herd of lactating mamas.   These mamas would make big bucks, like 500 a day with expenses.   The farm would like be like a spa complete with mud baths, lots of massage dudes running around in thongs (two thongs sometimes make a right), swimming pools, 80 inch high def TV's running Oprah and The View programs 24/7, Shrinks always around to hold women's talk groups so they could bitch about their husbands and kids, a chocolate store, a Baskin and Robbins shop, Krispy Kreme fried shit all over the place, and lots of other stuff to put smiles on the ladies faces.  Gotta keep them happy, don't you know.

The ladies are milked at 6 in the morning (it would be a bitch getting the bitches up and out by 6) and then they would be turned out to shop at the nearest mall until the next milking come 3 in the afternoon.  After the last squirt hits the can the herd is driven by stretch limo to a nice restaurant for a fine meal and lots of wine followed by an evening at the Symphony, then drinks at an all male strip club.   Last order of the day dictates that the herd enjoys Club dancing until the cows come home. 

Contented ladies do make for contented milk.

Ya think?


weeder said...

Both of our kids were breastfed. I was too, but only for a month or so until I got a really early tooth that came in and I kept biting my mother's nipple. She had enough of that, so I was switched to formula. When my wife was lactating I used to sample some of it myself once in a while. I got turned on by it (but then everything about females turns me on) but my wife was slightly grossed out by it and would limit me to about 30 seconds or so.

I have heard of some women who get extremely aroused by breastfeeding and would sometimes achieve orgasm while nursing. Kind of creepy, when you think about it.

Bob said...

Weeder - I've heard that too... arousal when breast feeding....not a bad thought if it's with her man and not the baby. Love your comments. Thanks for the visits.

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Whiskeytown Lake, Very Northern California, United States