TAKE ME TO MY PEOPLE!


I work temporarily in the Valley. I rent half of a duplex. I rub elbows with people who I don't generally rub elbows with. They're different. Their values are different. They think differently. Once in a while I want to shout out of the kitchen window, 'TAKE ME TO MY PEOPLE! I want to go home! I DON'T FIT IN!!"

In less than four weeks I'll be home for good.

When some valley people get issued brains they get shit for brains. I'm not kidding.

Here's an example of their different thinking:

See this stock trailer? The guy across the way keeps his three dogs in it for 12 hours a day from 6 in the morning until 6 in the evening. It's getting hot. Soon it will be summer. Logic tells you that your dogs are going to be at risk in this environment.

So I call animal control.

Them: Thank you for the information about the dogs being kept in the stock trailer. Have you spoken to your neighbor about your concerns?

Me: I thought that was your job.

Them: We cover more than 4,000 square miles of territory and only come your way once every month.

Me: So what you're saying if there's someone being abusive to an animal the poor thing has to wait for a month to be rescued. Gee, I hope that when you check up on abused animals that they're still alive.

Them: We can't help that, sir. You need to talk to your neighbor and then call us with the results.

Me: Oh joy. So if this bozo pounds the shit out me for calling him on what he's doing with his dogs then maybe you'll come out? And if he doesn't do that I know exactly what he'll say. I'll be wasting my time.

Them: Sir, you need to talk to your neighbor.

Okay, okay. Last night I plan on talking to the neighbor across the way with the stupid mind.

I approach the guy while he's working under his black Ford truck. We do small talk. I can sling the bull shit with most anyone. We both hate 6 liter Fords. His has blown up a couple of times. My 6 liter Ford blew up a couple of times. We become brothers in short fashion. The dude says we should barbecue sometime soon. We've bonded.

Me: Dude, your dogs are probably starting to get hot in the stock trailer.

Him: Yeah.

Me: How ya gonna fix that?

Him: Well, I was gonna pen them up in the backyard but they'd bark too much.

Me: That's better than cooking them in your trailer.

Him: Yeah. But I'm going to cut the top off of the stock trailer and make it cool for the dogs.

Me: Hmmmmm. You could start by parking your trailer right where your truck is, under the tree that has lots of shade.

Him: Naw, I like it where it is.

What a freaking idiot. Nice guy but no clue on what's right when it comes to dogs. I knew what would happen before I spoke to the neighbor, I got absolutely nowhere.

Hello? Animal Regulation? What?! You'll be here sometime in June? Could you deputize me and issue me a 9mm semi-automatic and a shotgun? I'll take care of this problem myself in a heartbeat.

I am not giving up on helping the three dogs. And I've got less than four weeks to get the job done.