CALIFORNIA IS ON FIRE

There are 130 fires alone burning in the county of Cow Town all caused by a major lightning storm last Saturday. Other counties around us have as many fires.

Smoke is everywhere in Cow Town. The sky is covered in it. It's not healthy to be outside.

California is known as the Golden State. Well, we're getting more and more golden with the passing of every day. Crispy golden.

Some of the fires are not being fought due to limited equipment and manpower. Cal Fire is stating that it may be weeks or months before all of the fires are extinguished.

We live in a location where there's no danger of fire. But it's the smoke. The smoke. It's gawd awful.

And you know what? Another lightning storm is being forecast for this coming Saturday.

Could this be God's way of getting even with all of the stupid things Californians do?

WTF?!! THEY'RE PIGS!!!

We have rentals. This is one of them.

Three weeks ago a phone call to a tenant who has occupied our home for a little over a year.

Renter: Hello?

Wife: Hi. How would you like the linoleum taken up in the kitchen, the guest bath along with the carpet in the hall and the existing tile in the entry and have it replaced with 18 inch tile?

Renter: Wow! We'd love that. The time is also great since we'll be on vacation that week.

Wife: Okay, the workmen laying the tile will be there on June 23rd. Make sure your things in these areas are put up and out of the way. If you wish, place plastic sheeting around the entry from the hall to the living room. This will keep your furniture clean.

Renter: Will do.

Today I opened the rental for the workmen. The house is a shit mess. Crap piled here, laundry there, all kinds of clutter on the counter tops (including a dirty diaper on the kitchen island), kitchen cook top filthy with cooked on food all over the burner catch basins, laundry stacked mile high on the bed in the master bedroom . .. the list could go on. No plastic sheeting shielding the living room. You'd think the renters would attempt to clean the house before going on vacation well knowing the landlord would be checking the home out.

When we rented our home to the present tenants we inspected the home they were living in prior to signing a lease agreement. It was immaculate and well cared for. They're both college educated. He has a high paying job. Good references. Credit check was very good.

What happened?

AND FOR THE REST OF US MARRIED PEOPLE - - -

We're not getting married. We're married. No wedding songs only happy let's start the weekend music.

Joyce Cooling's "Mildred's Attraction" kicks it off. Mildred must have been one smooth lady.

I'm thinking that I need this CD in my collection.

Happy Friday!

Hawaiian Wedding Song for FOX!

Tomorrow (Saturday) is Fox's wedding. I'll be thinking that Fox will be doing his best Elvis impression and sing this song tomorrow.

Best wishes to you Fox and your bride. May this marriage be all that you dream that it will be.

BTW: I've been in exactly the same place this piece was filmed. Cool location.

HOUSTON? WE HAVE IGNITION!

I have not quite perfected the technique but it's close.

Loved that pair of pants.

I do parties and kid's birthdays in case you're interested.

HOW NOT TO START A DAY

5:30 a.m. roll out of bed. Open the garage door, get the newspapers.

Let the dogs out. Try to make certain they don't feast on their own poop.

Feed the dogs.

Make coffee, start the day.

Our pup, the newest dog in the pack, had poop caked on her bottom this morning. I thought what the hell, she'll take dump and knock that stuff off of her rear end.

Zinni tries and tries to poop. It seems like nothing happens. A closer check of her rear end tells me it's all caked there with some still remaining to see the light of day.

Baby wipe? Nice try Bob, but no cigar. This stuff just won't come off that way. So it is bath time at 6 in the morning. Yuck! Poopie butt at 6 in the morning is not my idea of how I want my day to begin.

Jill (rest her soul) and Zoe both had/have haircuts for that reason: Low maintenance, no butt problems, ticks are easy to find, there's not dog hair from hell to breakfast. We've not had Zinni cut thinking it was nice to have a fluffy, long haired puppy. Me? I'm having second thoughts on the subject.

If the wife were home I wouldn't give poop on the butt a second thought: She'd take care of it. Since she's not home for another 9 days, the shoe is definitely on the other foot and it's not feeling comfortable.

Hello dog groomer? I'd like to surprise my wife when she gets home.

GLORY HOLE!

When we have guests I take the male part of our visitors aside:

Me: Do you know about glory holes?

Him: Glory hole? Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?

Me: Wanna find out for yourself. One thing for certain, it will be a beautiful experience. The suction will knock you down!

Him: How can we get out of the house without the ladies knowing we're going glory hole hunting?

Me: No big deal. Watch this: Girls, don't mind us, we're going shopping for some jewelry.

The Ladies - eyes all a sparkle: Jewelry?! Take your time. Don't hurry back!!

Long story short, here's the glory hole, Cow Town style. This hole is a drain at the local lake. When there's a lot of runoff into the lake instead of water going over the top of the man- made dam it is drained to the river below via the glory hole.

Bet this brings new meaning to your world of what a glory hole can be.

What suction!

YOW! TIME FOR BLAZING SADDLES!!

Yet one more Father's Day gift floated into my hands yesterday courtesy of daughter Dawn: Something that appeared to be a small rifle.

I checked it out and pulled the trigger on the rifle, BAM! Houston, we have ignition! Flames shot out of the barrel of the rifle.

Add another prize to Bob's collection of stuff. I need one of those Presidential Libraries for my archives. I could probably use half of the George W. Bush library once it's built. There will be room for all my stuff. After all, George's administration was all smoke and mirrors, wasn't it? There's not a lot of substance to store in that dude's library.

We'll name it The Bob's Bush Library.

That rings a bell.

EVERY PAPA HAS THEIR DAY

In case you didn't know, it's Father's Day. Every mother has her (or his) day. And every Father has his (or her) day.

I was going to say that I drilled the wife for Father's Day. What really happened is that the wife bought me a new cordless Bosch drill for the occasion.

Daughter Dawn/son-in-law Keith followed suit with a set of drill bits. All stuff I can use and use regularly.

And then there's son Max who often emulates that the apple does not fall far from the tree. The three displays are from the son in South Korea: Seoul to be exact. They arrived this week in a package marked as being purchased from a company called the Perpetual Kid. Right up my alley.

To add to my collection of stuff like this is the Hillary nutcracker. It's truly is a collector's item worthy of show status in my home office. How appropriate.

This ranks right up there with my Beavis and Butthead TV talker. It's a model of the two sitting on a couch. Every time I hit a button on the TV remote either Beavis or Butthead says one of a bunch of stuff" "What a bunch of dumb asses. Whoa! Check it out! What the hell is this crap! Whoa! That's pretty cool. I AM CORNHOLIO! (my favorite). Shut up fart knocker! This kicks ass, This sucks! There's no nudity. Same crap on every channel! Yeah!! Change it!"

Cracking nuts with Hillary's thighs will rank right up there with Beavis and Butthead. This Christmas will be the perfect time to gather around the Christmas tree and let Hillary bust our nuts.


Ya gotta laugh at this one, too. Poo, poo reindeer. Gracie and I will have fun with this one. Gotta watch the poo poo though. There's a couple of dogs in the house that would love scarfing up on one or more of them.

Cool stuff.
Grace and I will also have fun with the bubbles. The dogs will love them. too. The wife has already warned that bubbles can stain and that they're an outside toy.

What would life be without the mothers in this world to mother those who have no mothers?

Thanks Max, Candace, Dawn and Keith for making this a memorable Father's Day.

On this Father's Day and before the wife leaves this morning for 10 days in Spain the question remains, shall I drill or be drilled?

KISS ME MUCH!

On every visit south of the Border, the wife and I always eat in restaurants where there's a mariachi band playing. I'll pop for $20 to the head mariachi dude and ask for "our song" to be sung, Besame Mucho or kiss me much. At the end we'll both have tears in our eyes (after all, it is our song!) and then I always shout out, "BEST DAMN BESAME MUCHO SONG!"

So tonight and before the wife departs for Spain, Bob will be singing Besame Mucho along with Andrea Bocelli. We'll dance, drink shots and pretend that we're south of the border.

And that's the name of that tune!

What are you doing tonight that's special?

HI HO! HI HO! IT'S OFF TO SPAIN SHE GOES!!

The wife leaves tomorrow for something like 10 days in Spain. She's flying Continental Airlines San Francisco to New York and then on to Spain.

Bob will be left at home to do what Bob does best when he's home alone:

Build beer can pyramids.

Shoot pesky backyard squirrels (heretofore protected by the wife).

Build a BB gun shooting gallery in the family room.

Eat steak dinners like there's no tomorrow (and like there's no chance of by-pass surgery).

Play bartender and create a new martini. Have the dogs sample each concoction. Then take them for a walk to see which dog falls down first.

Patch the 9mm hole in the ceiling and roof made by Bob trying to shoot that damn fly I could not reach with a swatter.

Construct a funnel specifically engineered for lighting farts.

Run up $1,000 in Pay Per View porno bills.

"Mark" my territory in the backyard so there's no mistaking that Bob is home to stay.

And probably miss the wife a whole bunch. Here's Bob, fresh from 9 months in the Valley and here's Bob all alone again.

Those polygamy people might have the right idea. At least there would always be one wife at home.

I DONE BEEN TAGGED!

It's hard to get a picture of Bob. I hate having my picture taken. Be that as it may, here I am last Friday presenting an award to an employee.

And that is not a damn bald spot on the back of my head. It's either my salt and pepper hair coloring or light shining on that part of the head. If I were going bald there would be no comb over for Bob: I'd go bald, grow a goatee, get 10 tattoos and buy a Harley.

So my buddy in the blog world, Fox, has tagged me knowing well how much I love questions that are much like those found on Too Much Information Tuesday. Here goes:

1} What was I doing 10 Years ago?
Graduating high school.

2} What are 5 things on my list to do today.
(1) Answer these questions from Fox. (2) Refill the Viagra prescription. (3) Take three Viagra's. (4) Practice pole vaulting out of bed. (5) Visit the emergency room.

3} Snacks I enjoy! Dog kibbles dipped in mustard washed down with beer.

4} Things I would do If I was a Billionaire.
Invite Russell and Fox for a stone blast weekend in Hawaii complete with French luau (Hawaiian luau is sleeping with the women and eating the pig . . . ) and hookers. Fly all the poor people from around the world to live with me and my friends in Beverly Hills. Date Paris Hilton and Pamela Lee (to see if they're really blond). Get psychiatric help to cure me of on-going adolescent behavior.

5} Three of my Bad Habits. (1) Pole vaulting out of bed. (2) Ruining pair after pair of underwear by trying to light farts. (3) Cussing at people in pig latin.

6} Five places I have Lived. San Quentin. Sing-Sing. Under a bridge. On top of a bridge. London bridge.

7} Five Jobs I have had. Television host/producer. Newspaper boy. Business owner. B-52 bomber maintenance. Consultant. Topless bar talent coordinator/adminstrator of the pencil test.

8} How did you name your blog. It always seems to come down to, "What About Bob?" when people wonder who did it.

Thanks, Fox. I enjoyed the exercise.

WHATTA MILK SHAKE!

Tuesday using the pickup and the "trailer" (a pickup box converted to trailer status) I brought a load of furniture and my belongings to Cow Town.

Yesterday, the wife and I drove back up to the Valley to pickup what I couldn't load on Tuesday.

On the drive back to Cow Town we rewarded ourselves with a milkshake. The wife ordered a Cappuccino. Much like how I live my life, I ordered chocolate.

So, here's the wife's "shake". You get whipped cream with that Cappuccino, lots of it!

I woke this morning thinking I was still in the Valley. How great it was to realize that it was Thursday and that I was home for good.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

It's been six months to the day since Jilli left us. She was only ten. Someone just said that while you never get over the loss of your best friend you learn to adjust.

I'm a slow learner. Very slow.

Jill could catch a squash ball mid-air and then throw her head back and toss the ball back to me.

Then I'd have Jill sit while I hid the ball somewhere in the house. On the command of, "Go find the ball" she would usually go right off the top to the room where the ball had been hid and retrieve it.

That's only a couple of examples of my pal Jilli could do. She was one of those extraordinary dogs. Trained and licensed to be a pet therapy animal, Jilli brought lots of joy to those in ICU and cancer wards and assisted care facilities.

I won't go on about my Jill. I already have more than explored this subject in previous posts.

Six month later it still stings.

TMI #138: LAST POST FROM THE VALLEY

It's nearly five in the morning. Here I sit waiting for sunrise so the process to load the truck and trailer with furniture, etc., can continue.

This is the last post from the Valley. I'll miss sights such as the man pictured here in the combine mowing the backyard alfalfa. I will not miss five nights a week away from home.

Furthermore, there will be no missing stupid TMI questions like these:


1. If you're in love with your partner, does it make the sex better?

Today the word partner outside of the business world implies same sex, sex, doesn't it? Since I've never had a "partner" nor will I ever chalk this question up with the rest of the stupid TMI questions.

2. What is the most expensive sex toy you've ever purchased?

That would be when I said "I do" and paid $10 bucks for a marriage license so I could marry the wife. She is without any doubt the most expensive sex toy I could have ever "bought" for myself. . . and she doesn't need batteries!

3. If you knew ahead of time you would not have an orgasm, would you still have sex?

This has to be a question for females only. Really now, have you known any guy with that problem?

4. What celebrity would you most like to have sex with if given the chance?

Miss Piggy.

5. Have you ever had sex while an audience watched?

Do dogs on the bed count?

Bonus (as in optional): Describe the best sexual encounter you've ever had.

That would be the wife and I locked in the lavatory of a 747. We stood on our heads and had sex. Joining the Mile High Club had to had to have a twist to it. Have you ever heard of a couple having sex while standing on their heads? You haven't and that's why it's great being Bob.

POST #601: TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT!

Today was the day to clean out the desk, line all of the things to do in a things to do pile for the next guy taking the job, take the pictures off of the wall, give the hugs, say goodbye, drive off singing, TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT! Do I sound happy? You bet your bottom dollar I'm happy.

Here's Grace and her high school buddy Kayla. Kayla graduated Friday night. The scarf Gracie is wearing was made by her high school buddy.

I can see the two staying in touch for years to come for both have the same ambition: Own a ranch and Cow Girl Up everyday of the week.
Snapped in the nature preserve Saturday. I have no clue what species of bird this is.
I've driven by this pond 160 times over the past 8 months. There's steam as you can see coming off of it on the right side of the pond. When it's cold there's a vapor cloud right over it. The water, I'm told, is really hot. There are a lot of hot springs sprinkled around the Valley. Since there are two dormant volcanoes close by the abundance of hot springs makes sense.
This photo was also taken by the wife on Saturday which I took for an omen: Bob finally has his ducks in a row. It is time to leave the Valley.

And I will.

I spent this afternoon packing. Tomorrow there will be a trip to Cow Town with one load then back on Wednesday for another. With any luck that will clean out the Valley house.

Happy Monday!

THE BEST OF THE BEST

Grace and the wife, having packed up everything but the kitchen sink they brought up, just left for Cow Town. It was the best of the best visits: A fitting way to do that last tango in the Valley.

Here are the ladies at the Spinner Falls Lodge. Fall River is in the background. We just had dinner (me Chicken Marsala, the wife roast duck, Gracie pasta). Walking off dinner seemed like the right thing to do.
Speaking of walking off, here they are running the dogs in the name of exercise. We visited the nature preserve yesterday. As usual, it was scrumptious.
Then there was Saturday breakfast at the Hotel. Gracie ordered Mickey Mouse pancake. The pitcher of syrup is sitting on one of Mickey's ears. Poor Mickey!
What visit to the Valley would be complete without picking a bouquet of flowers. The wife and Gracie hiked out to the back forty where the pickin's are plentiful when it comes to flowers.

When the two left for home today I couldn't help but ask myself, "Does it get any better than this?"

LAST TANGO IN THE VALLEY

Yup. Last tango. Last weekend. It's all good.

Tonight the ladies (the wife and Gracie) and I will dine at the Spinner Falls Lodge. It's right on Fall River.

Today we drove around the valley, stopped often, ran the dogs around, enjoyed nature, observed wildlife, snapped photos, smelled the flowers and enjoyed life on life's terms.

God's beauty is often overwhelming.

These are pictures taken during our tour of the Valley.

Back in the day I could not drive without a beer between my legs. Honest. It was a matter of balance. No beer and I was out of whack. There had to be a six pack in the car so however long the drive I would not be without being in balance. What was I thinking? Or was I?


Even though this has been one bitch of an assignment, it's been gratifying. I'll not miss the stress but I will miss the beauty of the valley. There are few places left like it.

The wide-open spaces. Breathing air that really is 99% air without the particulates. The quality of living gets no better than this.
If I bought a ranch it would have to have a barn like this. A barn has to have character, the odor of its past life, organic smells of animals and feed. My barn will have soul but probably little utilitarian purpose: I am not a farmer nor a rancher nor do I wish to be. I only want to live the life without the hassle.
As the barn is a requirement on the "if I bought a ranch" so is a pond just like this one.

I'd call the pond "Bob's Buck Naked Swimming Hole and Nature Spot". I might even change my name: Bob Buck Naked.

I came into this life naked. Might as well go out as being known as buck naked.

You'd like this place.

The next post counts as number 600. It has to be special.

I'M FREE!

Friday was the last workday. Graduation ceremonies marked by last obligation: Turned the tassles, Shook the hands.

Monday I'll take the pictures from the walls of the four offices I've occupied for the past 8 months, hug everyone goodbye and then begin the chore of cleaning and clearing the Big Valley house. Hauling everything back to Cow Town will be something I've looked forward to.

I'M FREE! Can you see the smile on my face?!

OH RUSSELL!

An old bud, Russell, will soon be heading to the waters of Lake Cow Town to fish, party, drink beer and pretend that he doesn't ogle at the good looking ladies. Russell is single, well off and house trained. WhAT good looking, able bodied woman wouldn't want Russell?

Russell, I happen to know that someone named Mona who will spend most of her days at Cow Town Lake this summer trolling for guys like you. Check it out and decide for yourself, Russ.

OH, MONA! OHHHH, RUSSELL!

TREASURES

Two treasures: Mother Nature

The wife.

Here she is Saturday in the middle of the nature preserve. I take her picture. She takes mine.

She's smiling, happy, being the person she is.

Me? If I posted the picture the wife took of me on Saturday you's see that I have the game face on even though it's the weekend. No joy on my face like the wife here. No smiling only frowning (when I thought that I had a pleasant look).

Will I ever learn to relax and enjoy life? Will I ever take a picture that reflects the joy of the moment?

I'm envious of the wife and her approach to life. She's always sooooo happy. She's always so appreciative. Maybe it's because women are from Venus and this is what comes naturally to women.

When you're a guy and from Mars life can get screwed up and much too serious.

WHERE THE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY

The wife just departed for Cow Town and home, car packed to brim and the dogs in their crates.

The weekend went quickly: A retirement dinner Friday night, dinner at a riverside restaurant Saturday night. Where did the time go?

But you have to know that we took time to dance to the You Tube entry just below this one. As for the rest (per the lyrics to this song), we'll leave that to your imagination.

Saturday we loaded the dogs into the truck and drove through a wetland/nature preserve. The length of the nature preserve road had to have been about 10 miles.

Lots of birds and four legged creatures like this herd of Antelope pausing to dine on tender shoots of grass alongside a pond.

We stopped several times to take pictures and walk the dogs as you see here. When the wife walks the dogs I always seem to catch her going instead of coming,hence the rear end shot.

The truck was close to empty and after bidding the wife good-by I took the time to fill it with diesel for the week.

I'm now the proud owner of a tank of diesel at $5.10 a gallon, $130.73 out the door.

This is my last full week working in the Valley. It is going to be good to be home again and not spend five nights away from it.

It's been a tough grind these last 10 months. Apart from being away from home somehow I thought by June 1st matters connected with the position I am holding would smooth out but the going continues to get tougher and tougher. Last week was a bear. This week promises to be more of the same and probably worse.

But I'm smiling knowing well that the light at the end of the tunnel is not an on-coming freight train. It is the end of yet another saga in the life of Bob.