WHY STAY MARRIED?

It is great having the wife home.

Having that extra hand around the house is something I've missed.

EX Marks the Spot

Yup, when someone says Texas this song pops up in my mind.

Thanks to Covert Lover who posted on yesterday's entry for popping this song up yet one more time.

I have no clue what Grand Theft Auto has to do with anything here.

I BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION

Note to self: Self? Make certain that you do not come back as a chicken. I would rather not end my days hanging upside down in a Third World market.

Makes me want to do the chicken dance just thinking about that.

These are Wifey's pictures of an open air market in Morocco.
We both have an appreciation for open air markets. Not long ago we owned a produce market in a little village on the northern California coast.

I would pick up produce twice weekly, sometimes three times in a week at the Wholesale Produce Market in San Francisco or from a wholesaler in a little town 90 minutes southeast of where our business was.

Arriving at or before 6 in the morning was important to get the very best of produce.

It was a large, flatbed (12' long) truck with 5 foot rails that I used to pick up the wares for our market. Everything we offered for sale was handpicked and tasted before it was purchased. Quality in our little market was everything. Our customers came to rely on the selection and the fine quality of the products we had to offer.

In December we would sell and deliver Christmas trees.

It was hard work with long hours. Anyone who has owned a business knows well that this is what it takes to be successful.

In Morocco it is likely that you not just sell the produce but you've grown it, too.


I'll have to scan some of the photos taken during our years in the produce business and post them here. They're pretty cool.

Ahh, the memories. They are cherished.

THE QUESTION WIFEY ALWAYS PUTS TO BOB

I never remember who did what in this house. One question I always get is this one . . . check it out.

WIFEY IS BACK!

The wife arrived home at 4:15 yesterday morning, fresh from her sojourn to Spain and Morocco. She had been up for 30 plus hours and was dog ass tired.

Here's a few of her pictures that caught my eye.

It was interesting that Spain's Kentucky Fried Chicken outlets has what's called the Boxmaster meal. The wife took this photo knowing my interesting in being a box master and that I also like KFC.


Meat markets in foreign countries are always of interest. There's no question of "WHERE'S THE BEEF? WHERE'S THE BEEF?"


The wife said this was taken in Madrid at midnight on her way back to the hotel following dinner and entertainment with her friends.
And who would have thunked it that in Spain there would be an eatery named the Nebraska Cafeteria - Restaurant. They probably serve lots of corn and beef with maybe some pig on the side.

The wife had a good time. She says it was a trip of a lifetime. I had a good time while the wife was gone thinking how lucky I was not having my sorry ass dragged all over Spain. She stayed in 6 hotels over the course of 10 days. That's definitely not my idea of a vacation or a good time.

There's no place like home.

PARTICULATE SUNSET

Sunset and sunrise over Cow Town have looked like this over the past week. Smoke and particulates make for a lovely sunrise/sunset but play hell on the lungs. I shot this picture off the back patio.

The experts warn not to be out of doors in this stuff and to stay inside.

With some relief in sight, there are electrical storms forecast for today and Saturday. That would mean more forest fires, more staying indoors and more priceless sunsets.

Well, NASCAR races are on both days this weekend. I needed an excuse to cuddle up to the big screen High Def television, beer in hand, chips in the other and watch the NASCAR drivers go around and around and around in circles.

Chips anyone?

IT'S AWFUL!

An inversion layer is holding all of the smoke from the many fires around us close to the ground. There are no signs of it going away any time soon. It's horrible. Everyone is being advised to stay inside and not breathe the outside air.

This morning I spent 15 minutes unloading a few things from the truck. Within that span of time my clothing smelled like I'd been sitting around the campfire roasting Smores and having one hell of a good time all the while singing the tune, WELL SHUT MY MOUTH AND CALL ME GOOBER!!

NOT!

Those of us who have spent most if not all of our lives in the Golden State have never seen anything quite like this. Small towns around ours are being threatened by fire. Homes have been evacuated, people displaced. I don't want to even think about what the fire and smoke are doing to live stock and small animals.

It's not looking very pretty in this part of the USA.

HOW I MET THE WIFE

A special thanks to Russell for this reminder. I remember that day so well, like it was yesterday . . .

Love at first sight is so awesome!

WEDNESDAY WEIRDNESS

It is Wednesday and time for being weird. I could not resist posting this picture which seems to be appropriate for this day. It's been used before and I'll use it again.

Time to get weird:

1.) If you could pick how you would die, how would you choose your death to happen?

Being screwed to death seems to be the first thing that comes to mind. I'd die with a smile on my face.


2.) If you could rid the world entirely of one disease and one disease only, forever, which would you choose and why?

Greed and gluttony apart from being sins are two diseases, if cured, would benefit all mankind. Think about it.


3.) How adventurous would you say you are when it comes to trying new things in bed with your partner?

Adventurous to me has always been, "Hey! Wanna climb this mountain?" Hmmm. So what would adventurous be in bed when it comes to trying new things? "HEY! I'm gonna climb that mountain!"


4.) What is something sexual that you would absolutely, with no amount of persuasion, ever be willing to do?

Lay there and leave the driving to the wife.


5.) What kind of laundry detergent do you use?

I use Fug It because if Tide doesn't get it clean, fug it!


6.)When listening to music, about how loud do you prefer the music you're listening to to be?

I've blown out at least a half dozen sets of speakers and have a 40% hearing loss from too many rock concerts, way too loud music in the car and in the house, and from being around jet aircraft engines while in the military. If I had it to do over again there is nothing that I would change. Bring on the loudness!


And that's just about as weird as Bob gets on this Wednesday in June.

CALIFORNIA IS ON FIRE

There are 130 fires alone burning in the county of Cow Town all caused by a major lightning storm last Saturday. Other counties around us have as many fires.

Smoke is everywhere in Cow Town. The sky is covered in it. It's not healthy to be outside.

California is known as the Golden State. Well, we're getting more and more golden with the passing of every day. Crispy golden.

Some of the fires are not being fought due to limited equipment and manpower. Cal Fire is stating that it may be weeks or months before all of the fires are extinguished.

We live in a location where there's no danger of fire. But it's the smoke. The smoke. It's gawd awful.

And you know what? Another lightning storm is being forecast for this coming Saturday.

Could this be God's way of getting even with all of the stupid things Californians do?

WTF?!! THEY'RE PIGS!!!

We have rentals. This is one of them.

Three weeks ago a phone call to a tenant who has occupied our home for a little over a year.

Renter: Hello?

Wife: Hi. How would you like the linoleum taken up in the kitchen, the guest bath along with the carpet in the hall and the existing tile in the entry and have it replaced with 18 inch tile?

Renter: Wow! We'd love that. The time is also great since we'll be on vacation that week.

Wife: Okay, the workmen laying the tile will be there on June 23rd. Make sure your things in these areas are put up and out of the way. If you wish, place plastic sheeting around the entry from the hall to the living room. This will keep your furniture clean.

Renter: Will do.

Today I opened the rental for the workmen. The house is a shit mess. Crap piled here, laundry there, all kinds of clutter on the counter tops (including a dirty diaper on the kitchen island), kitchen cook top filthy with cooked on food all over the burner catch basins, laundry stacked mile high on the bed in the master bedroom . .. the list could go on. No plastic sheeting shielding the living room. You'd think the renters would attempt to clean the house before going on vacation well knowing the landlord would be checking the home out.

When we rented our home to the present tenants we inspected the home they were living in prior to signing a lease agreement. It was immaculate and well cared for. They're both college educated. He has a high paying job. Good references. Credit check was very good.

What happened?

AND FOR THE REST OF US MARRIED PEOPLE - - -

We're not getting married. We're married. No wedding songs only happy let's start the weekend music.

Joyce Cooling's "Mildred's Attraction" kicks it off. Mildred must have been one smooth lady.

I'm thinking that I need this CD in my collection.

Happy Friday!

Hawaiian Wedding Song for FOX!

Tomorrow (Saturday) is Fox's wedding. I'll be thinking that Fox will be doing his best Elvis impression and sing this song tomorrow.

Best wishes to you Fox and your bride. May this marriage be all that you dream that it will be.

BTW: I've been in exactly the same place this piece was filmed. Cool location.

HOUSTON? WE HAVE IGNITION!

I have not quite perfected the technique but it's close.

Loved that pair of pants.

I do parties and kid's birthdays in case you're interested.

HOW NOT TO START A DAY

5:30 a.m. roll out of bed. Open the garage door, get the newspapers.

Let the dogs out. Try to make certain they don't feast on their own poop.

Feed the dogs.

Make coffee, start the day.

Our pup, the newest dog in the pack, had poop caked on her bottom this morning. I thought what the hell, she'll take dump and knock that stuff off of her rear end.

Zinni tries and tries to poop. It seems like nothing happens. A closer check of her rear end tells me it's all caked there with some still remaining to see the light of day.

Baby wipe? Nice try Bob, but no cigar. This stuff just won't come off that way. So it is bath time at 6 in the morning. Yuck! Poopie butt at 6 in the morning is not my idea of how I want my day to begin.

Jill (rest her soul) and Zoe both had/have haircuts for that reason: Low maintenance, no butt problems, ticks are easy to find, there's not dog hair from hell to breakfast. We've not had Zinni cut thinking it was nice to have a fluffy, long haired puppy. Me? I'm having second thoughts on the subject.

If the wife were home I wouldn't give poop on the butt a second thought: She'd take care of it. Since she's not home for another 9 days, the shoe is definitely on the other foot and it's not feeling comfortable.

Hello dog groomer? I'd like to surprise my wife when she gets home.

GLORY HOLE!

When we have guests I take the male part of our visitors aside:

Me: Do you know about glory holes?

Him: Glory hole? Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?

Me: Wanna find out for yourself. One thing for certain, it will be a beautiful experience. The suction will knock you down!

Him: How can we get out of the house without the ladies knowing we're going glory hole hunting?

Me: No big deal. Watch this: Girls, don't mind us, we're going shopping for some jewelry.

The Ladies - eyes all a sparkle: Jewelry?! Take your time. Don't hurry back!!

Long story short, here's the glory hole, Cow Town style. This hole is a drain at the local lake. When there's a lot of runoff into the lake instead of water going over the top of the man- made dam it is drained to the river below via the glory hole.

Bet this brings new meaning to your world of what a glory hole can be.

What suction!

YOW! TIME FOR BLAZING SADDLES!!

Yet one more Father's Day gift floated into my hands yesterday courtesy of daughter Dawn: Something that appeared to be a small rifle.

I checked it out and pulled the trigger on the rifle, BAM! Houston, we have ignition! Flames shot out of the barrel of the rifle.

Add another prize to Bob's collection of stuff. I need one of those Presidential Libraries for my archives. I could probably use half of the George W. Bush library once it's built. There will be room for all my stuff. After all, George's administration was all smoke and mirrors, wasn't it? There's not a lot of substance to store in that dude's library.

We'll name it The Bob's Bush Library.

That rings a bell.

EVERY PAPA HAS THEIR DAY

In case you didn't know, it's Father's Day. Every mother has her (or his) day. And every Father has his (or her) day.

I was going to say that I drilled the wife for Father's Day. What really happened is that the wife bought me a new cordless Bosch drill for the occasion.

Daughter Dawn/son-in-law Keith followed suit with a set of drill bits. All stuff I can use and use regularly.

And then there's son Max who often emulates that the apple does not fall far from the tree. The three displays are from the son in South Korea: Seoul to be exact. They arrived this week in a package marked as being purchased from a company called the Perpetual Kid. Right up my alley.

To add to my collection of stuff like this is the Hillary nutcracker. It's truly is a collector's item worthy of show status in my home office. How appropriate.

This ranks right up there with my Beavis and Butthead TV talker. It's a model of the two sitting on a couch. Every time I hit a button on the TV remote either Beavis or Butthead says one of a bunch of stuff" "What a bunch of dumb asses. Whoa! Check it out! What the hell is this crap! Whoa! That's pretty cool. I AM CORNHOLIO! (my favorite). Shut up fart knocker! This kicks ass, This sucks! There's no nudity. Same crap on every channel! Yeah!! Change it!"

Cracking nuts with Hillary's thighs will rank right up there with Beavis and Butthead. This Christmas will be the perfect time to gather around the Christmas tree and let Hillary bust our nuts.


Ya gotta laugh at this one, too. Poo, poo reindeer. Gracie and I will have fun with this one. Gotta watch the poo poo though. There's a couple of dogs in the house that would love scarfing up on one or more of them.

Cool stuff.
Grace and I will also have fun with the bubbles. The dogs will love them. too. The wife has already warned that bubbles can stain and that they're an outside toy.

What would life be without the mothers in this world to mother those who have no mothers?

Thanks Max, Candace, Dawn and Keith for making this a memorable Father's Day.

On this Father's Day and before the wife leaves this morning for 10 days in Spain the question remains, shall I drill or be drilled?

KISS ME MUCH!

On every visit south of the Border, the wife and I always eat in restaurants where there's a mariachi band playing. I'll pop for $20 to the head mariachi dude and ask for "our song" to be sung, Besame Mucho or kiss me much. At the end we'll both have tears in our eyes (after all, it is our song!) and then I always shout out, "BEST DAMN BESAME MUCHO SONG!"

So tonight and before the wife departs for Spain, Bob will be singing Besame Mucho along with Andrea Bocelli. We'll dance, drink shots and pretend that we're south of the border.

And that's the name of that tune!

What are you doing tonight that's special?

HI HO! HI HO! IT'S OFF TO SPAIN SHE GOES!!

The wife leaves tomorrow for something like 10 days in Spain. She's flying Continental Airlines San Francisco to New York and then on to Spain.

Bob will be left at home to do what Bob does best when he's home alone:

Build beer can pyramids.

Shoot pesky backyard squirrels (heretofore protected by the wife).

Build a BB gun shooting gallery in the family room.

Eat steak dinners like there's no tomorrow (and like there's no chance of by-pass surgery).

Play bartender and create a new martini. Have the dogs sample each concoction. Then take them for a walk to see which dog falls down first.

Patch the 9mm hole in the ceiling and roof made by Bob trying to shoot that damn fly I could not reach with a swatter.

Construct a funnel specifically engineered for lighting farts.

Run up $1,000 in Pay Per View porno bills.

"Mark" my territory in the backyard so there's no mistaking that Bob is home to stay.

And probably miss the wife a whole bunch. Here's Bob, fresh from 9 months in the Valley and here's Bob all alone again.

Those polygamy people might have the right idea. At least there would always be one wife at home.

I DONE BEEN TAGGED!

It's hard to get a picture of Bob. I hate having my picture taken. Be that as it may, here I am last Friday presenting an award to an employee.

And that is not a damn bald spot on the back of my head. It's either my salt and pepper hair coloring or light shining on that part of the head. If I were going bald there would be no comb over for Bob: I'd go bald, grow a goatee, get 10 tattoos and buy a Harley.

So my buddy in the blog world, Fox, has tagged me knowing well how much I love questions that are much like those found on Too Much Information Tuesday. Here goes:

1} What was I doing 10 Years ago?
Graduating high school.

2} What are 5 things on my list to do today.
(1) Answer these questions from Fox. (2) Refill the Viagra prescription. (3) Take three Viagra's. (4) Practice pole vaulting out of bed. (5) Visit the emergency room.

3} Snacks I enjoy! Dog kibbles dipped in mustard washed down with beer.

4} Things I would do If I was a Billionaire.
Invite Russell and Fox for a stone blast weekend in Hawaii complete with French luau (Hawaiian luau is sleeping with the women and eating the pig . . . ) and hookers. Fly all the poor people from around the world to live with me and my friends in Beverly Hills. Date Paris Hilton and Pamela Lee (to see if they're really blond). Get psychiatric help to cure me of on-going adolescent behavior.

5} Three of my Bad Habits. (1) Pole vaulting out of bed. (2) Ruining pair after pair of underwear by trying to light farts. (3) Cussing at people in pig latin.

6} Five places I have Lived. San Quentin. Sing-Sing. Under a bridge. On top of a bridge. London bridge.

7} Five Jobs I have had. Television host/producer. Newspaper boy. Business owner. B-52 bomber maintenance. Consultant. Topless bar talent coordinator/adminstrator of the pencil test.

8} How did you name your blog. It always seems to come down to, "What About Bob?" when people wonder who did it.

Thanks, Fox. I enjoyed the exercise.

WHATTA MILK SHAKE!

Tuesday using the pickup and the "trailer" (a pickup box converted to trailer status) I brought a load of furniture and my belongings to Cow Town.

Yesterday, the wife and I drove back up to the Valley to pickup what I couldn't load on Tuesday.

On the drive back to Cow Town we rewarded ourselves with a milkshake. The wife ordered a Cappuccino. Much like how I live my life, I ordered chocolate.

So, here's the wife's "shake". You get whipped cream with that Cappuccino, lots of it!

I woke this morning thinking I was still in the Valley. How great it was to realize that it was Thursday and that I was home for good.

MAN'S BEST FRIEND

It's been six months to the day since Jilli left us. She was only ten. Someone just said that while you never get over the loss of your best friend you learn to adjust.

I'm a slow learner. Very slow.

Jill could catch a squash ball mid-air and then throw her head back and toss the ball back to me.

Then I'd have Jill sit while I hid the ball somewhere in the house. On the command of, "Go find the ball" she would usually go right off the top to the room where the ball had been hid and retrieve it.

That's only a couple of examples of my pal Jilli could do. She was one of those extraordinary dogs. Trained and licensed to be a pet therapy animal, Jilli brought lots of joy to those in ICU and cancer wards and assisted care facilities.

I won't go on about my Jill. I already have more than explored this subject in previous posts.

Six month later it still stings.

TMI #138: LAST POST FROM THE VALLEY

It's nearly five in the morning. Here I sit waiting for sunrise so the process to load the truck and trailer with furniture, etc., can continue.

This is the last post from the Valley. I'll miss sights such as the man pictured here in the combine mowing the backyard alfalfa. I will not miss five nights a week away from home.

Furthermore, there will be no missing stupid TMI questions like these:


1. If you're in love with your partner, does it make the sex better?

Today the word partner outside of the business world implies same sex, sex, doesn't it? Since I've never had a "partner" nor will I ever chalk this question up with the rest of the stupid TMI questions.

2. What is the most expensive sex toy you've ever purchased?

That would be when I said "I do" and paid $10 bucks for a marriage license so I could marry the wife. She is without any doubt the most expensive sex toy I could have ever "bought" for myself. . . and she doesn't need batteries!

3. If you knew ahead of time you would not have an orgasm, would you still have sex?

This has to be a question for females only. Really now, have you known any guy with that problem?

4. What celebrity would you most like to have sex with if given the chance?

Miss Piggy.

5. Have you ever had sex while an audience watched?

Do dogs on the bed count?

Bonus (as in optional): Describe the best sexual encounter you've ever had.

That would be the wife and I locked in the lavatory of a 747. We stood on our heads and had sex. Joining the Mile High Club had to had to have a twist to it. Have you ever heard of a couple having sex while standing on their heads? You haven't and that's why it's great being Bob.