Sunday, July 22, 2007

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

The light at the end of the tunnel is not a freight train . . . it's the light at the end of a scope used for a colonoscopy. Choo choo!

President Bush had a colonoscopy yesterday. He was sedated and Cheney had control of America. Hey, was that a mushroom cloud over there?

I've had two of these procedures. They start you out drinking something called Collite. It cleans you out.

You don't really think a physician would want to scope you out unless the Hershey Highway was clean as a bean, would you?

Honestly, this is bad stuff. Once Collite takes hold of you, it's back and forth and back and forth to sit on the john. To boot, regardless of the flavors offered up, it's the worse stuff to put down the hatch. Collite makes you want to barf. Horrible.

And you can't drink it all at once. Even if you could, I don't think you'd want to drink it all at once. It's a glass at a time until nearly a gallon has been downed. A glass every 20 minutes. Three or four hours or so later, you're clean as a bean. Squeaky clean.

Here's your typical "up periscope" room. You lay on your side, sing "Moon River" and wait for the physician to cry out, "Houston, we have insertion." Yahoooo! I put that in brown to make my point.

There's no foreplay, just a little lubricant and then Wham! Bam! You're hurting me, Man!

How do I know if this hurts? Both procedures? I didn't take the sedation that's offered and it was a stone, cold sober experience. COLD TURKEY.

I wanted to be awake for the whole, hole experience. True story. Two procedures both without medication. This experience has assured me that I could never be gay. Never.

Rule #1 in Bob's World: Never mess around with the exhaust pipe.

When I wasn't singing Moon River and the Beatles song, Why Don't We Do It In The Road, I watched the procedure on a small video monitor. It was the same monitor which was connected to the scope the physician used to see inside my colon. Inside a healthy colon looks like this. Pretty cool.
NOTE: This diagram illustrates a Sigmoidocopy which only hits a third to a half of the colon. READ THE FINE PRINT! A colonoscopy examines the WHOLE length of the colon.

And you were thinking a colonoscopy was no big deal.

The procedure goes pretty easy until the scope attempts to around a couple of colon corners. Your physician has to cram and wiggle the scope to round the corner. That's went I started to sweat bullets and cried out, "Are we there yet? DAMN IT!! ARE WE THERE YET!"

I wouldn't recommend not taking sedation for everyone. Our macho President had to have it. Most ask for it. If you knew me you'd understand why I prefer to be awake and "enjoy" the essence of the whole, hole experience.

And that's why it's great being Bob.

WHOOO AHHH!

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5 comments:

Noo-noo-from the north said...

Oh MY. I needed sedation READING about this!!! I swear the back of my throat got swollen...probably my tonsils 'trilling' at the description!!! AAARGH! 7-22-07 @ 2:24p.m.

Bob said...

Maybe that's why my Doc put bubble gum on the end of the scope and said, "When you start chewing I'll know that I've gone far enough."

twilite said...

Hi bob! Turning being medical for a day? Interesting.

Sexy Duet said...

I thought having an ultrasound at almost fall term was painful (you try emptying just half of your bladder when you have had a litre of water in an hour and you have a baby pushing there) - but this is a whole other level. I cant believe you went through that twice with no sedation, you must be one tough man!

Ms SD

Bob said...

Twilight: With Bush doing his "up periscope thing, it seemed like the thing to write about. Glad you liked it.

Ms. S.D.: Tough man or stupid man - I haven't decided which!

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