DOES MY BUTT LOOK OKAY?

I've ranted about clothing manufacturers not producing pants, jeans, shorts in size 35 waist. Check it out next time you shop. They are not on the shelves.

I'm not a 36 waist. I float around in size 36 jeans. I am not a floater. I hate wearing clothes that are too big.

Son Max is in the same boat. Max says that the best thing is not to succumb to being a 36 but lose weight and get back into that size 34.

So I went to Walmart yesterday and bought those 34 waist jeans. Regular fit and not the "relaxed" version. Relaxed is another way of saying FAT version of size.

So there they sit on the back of a chair in the Big Valley house. You see them here. Should I try on the 34's or wait? I'll be damned if I'm returning them. But I'll also be damned if I'm supposed to give up beer, great food and my rocky road ice cream after dinner just to fit in a pair of jeans. Hmmmm. What to do. What to do.

When I was a teen my jean size was 30 waist, 30 length. 30 x 30. It was easy to remember.

Somewhere along the line I skipped sizes and I was a 33 waist. For the longest time I was 33. Then about the time I turned 40 it became 34. And soon after 34's didn't cut it.

I think I'm back on my game and that I really can fit into those size 34 jeans. Problem is, I'm chicken shit to try. I hate rejection.

Stay tuned. Bob may do a future HNT picture in his size 34 blue jeans. Hopefully I won't have to stuff too much into them!

THE ROAD HOME

I drive this road every day. Here's is the view driving west, just over the Big Valley Mountain and into another valley where I'm living temporarily.

These pictures were taken yesterday on the way "home". It's a 16 mile drive one way to/from work which is most enjoyable, rain or shine. Okay, and snow, too. It's pretty neat.


The pine trees in the foreground is right where I'm living. Probably right in the middle of the picture.

The beauty of nature and life is apparent every day in the Valley. There's no traffic. Not a lot of people. That's the way it's been here for probably a 100 years - most things have not changed a lot. I'm a small town boy and the Valley is just that.

I might want to move here permanently.

SNOOZERS!

Zoe is a snooze bug. She loves her morning, afternoon and evening snooze. In dog years Zoe is nearly 77. When you're that old I guess snoozing becomes a way of life.

Here Zoe is with one of her squeaky pets taking up the rear.

Anyway, the wife visited me in Big Valley this weekend. Zoe sleeping is a small part of a nice weekend.

This weekend the wife and I had dinner out twice. Drove around. Cavorted a couple of times. Had meaningful conversation. It was an A plus weekend. It was like dating. Very special.

So the wife gets ready to leave Big Valley on Sunday and head back to Cow Town. We kiss goodbye, the wife gets into the car and puts it in gear to leave. I happen to glance at the rear tire. I rap on the window, make the cut throat sign and the wife turns the car off.

Yup. Flat tire. The wife picked up a screw on the highway to the Valley that managed to create a slow leak. Is this what they mean about having a screw loose? Well, someone had a screw loose and it ended up in the rear tire of the wife's car.

Then there's the water at my home in Big Valley. I rent this place. The landlord knows the water is terrible but does nothing about it.

Check out the stains in a 4 month old toilet. Yes, it's been four months since the landlord installed it. I clean it once a week. This is what it looks like at the end of 7 days.




So I pull the lid off of the toilet tank. Hmmmm. No wonder there are rust streaks on the bowl of the toilet.

Good news? No way have I ever drank the water.

So when people ask me about Big Valley I always say, "It's a nice place but you wouldn't want to drink the water."

There's no way I want to plug up my plumbing by drinking this shit.

Dirty Politics!

Hillary deserves being on the receiving end of dirty politics, don't you think?

Swinging Saturday Music

Grab your honey and swing to some Saturday night music. If you ain't dancing your way through life then you ain't living.

WINTER IN BIG VALLEY

I took this photo driving to work yesterday. It's a 16 mile drive. It was snowing which made for a really beautiful ride.

Hard to believe that we live in California and get this amount of snow in the Valley. The old timers say that this year looks like a record snow fall.
Instead of driving home to Cow Town the wife and the dog braved the winter storm to drive to Big Valley.

Must have been one hell of a trip because the two of them were just plain tuckered out yesterday afternoon.

I was ready to party and they were ready to nap. And nap they did.
Let sleeping dogs lie? Does it get any more precious than this?

Last night the wife and I ventured out for dinner in the Valley. We stopped at the local hotel, famous because it's so old and funk-a-delic. Had a drink at their 100 year old plus bar (the wife white wine, me Blue Saphire up), then dinner in their dining room.

We sat by the fireplace in the dining room. Fine food. A bottle of wine. The perfect way to end a week.

Enjoy your weekend. Peace out.

COW GIRL UP!
Last weekend, while working at my desk at home, the grandchild sat next to me and said:

Grace: "Papa?"

Me: "Yes, Grace."

Grace: Would you buy me a cow girl shirt, boots, belt and shirt?"

Me: Sure, Grace. Let's see if Grammy has time to take you shopping."

Me: "Candace? Would you mind taking Grace down to the outlet western store? She'd like to do some shopping. Just call when she finds what she wants and let's talk about how much to spend."

Candace: "You know me. Any excuse to shop.

And the two leave for shopping.

Three hours later and still no phone call the pair arrives home. Grace is all decked out in what you see here complete with a pair of Fat Babies western boots.

Me: "What happened to the phone call?"

Candace: "Nothing."

Me: "That's what I thought. How much was this?"

And I'm thinking 50 - 60 bucks total. How much could stuff for a five year old cost anyway?

Candace: "It came to 140 bucks. Grace picked everything out herself and in order starting with the boots."

Me: "Gulp!"

I don't mind buying stuff that costs a bit but I do mind buying stuff for a five year old that she'll soon grow out of. Well, you can't take it with you. The shopping spree will no doubt be one of those priceless memories for Candace and for Grace.

And here's those Fat Baby boots. Everyone has heard about Fat Babies except me. Last time I heard the term Fat Babies was in a topless bar.

"Dude, look at those fat babies."
And then there's the purple belt and buckle that Grace just had to have.

Grace is all ready to Cow Girl Up in Big Valley. Now if it would ever stop snowing in the Valley maybe we can saddle up and take a trail ride.

Happy Weekend! Yahoooo!

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED

January 11th. It will be six weeks this coming Friday.

I hate Friday's for that reason.

Every Day and I mean every day:

I get mad.

I'm more than sad.

There's huge regret.

But there's no bringing back my Jill.

This taken last November.

Go ahead, say it. Bob's a nut case over the loss of his dog.

And that would be correct.

WHAT GIRL FRIENDS DO GUYS WOULD NEVER GO THERE

Grace's mom is having a birthday. It's Wednesday.

She: I don't know what to get her for her birthday. Do you have any ideas?

Me: Take her shopping, buy her an outfit.

She: Great idea. I love shopping. This is right up my alley.

Me: I was afraid of that. Oh yeah, every new outfit needs a new bra to go with it. Don't ask why but I know these things.

She: Done.

So I got to thinking. When shopping for a new bra don't girl friends (and maybe a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law shopping spree) ask the other to check out in the changing room the bra they have just tried on? Don't you think? I think so.

So when guys go shopping together - yeah right, guys shopping together for clothes. Who's kidding who here?

Anyway, if we did, do you think in the changing room we'd ask our bud what they thought about the underwear we were trying on?

Hey Rick - like this butt floss on me? Dude - how's my butt look in this?

Uhhh huh.... ain't gonna happen in the real guy world.

That's why women are from Venus and men are from Mars.

POST NUMBER 499!

Who would have thunked it? This is post #499. If you've wondered What About Bob? then all you need to know about Bob and then some is contained in the nearly 500 entries on this blog.

I am complicated. I am sometimes stupid. I am often off base on my thinking. Always immature (Mom's never ending advice: "BOB, GROW UP!" still rings in my ears and I'll be damned if I'll ever grown up.). Compassionate to a fault.

You may have noticed that this blog is all about Bob and more. Few people know me. The real me is all illusive and I like it that way. I don't let just anyone into my buttondown mind. But back up and read some of the 500 posts and you will get the idea of who Bob is.

'Nuff said. This is Flirt's first night at daughter Dawn's home. Grace and Dawn made a birthday cake for Flirt for the first night in her new home also marked Flirt's fourth birthday.

I was in Big Valley. Once again I missed out on the fun.

I bought Flirt for Dawn. Compassionate to a fault, that's me. Why? Dawn loved my Jill like no one could have loved a dog. Dawn was there to the Jill's last moments, comforting her, praying, talking . . . being Jill's best friend. And Jill loved Dawn as much as she loved the wife and I.

When we lost our Jill it was natural to think about a dog for Dawn. Dawn's not had a dog since she was a wee lassie. Without going into details of why I shelled out a king's ransom for Flirt, the timing was right, the dog was right and I had some bucks that I didn't know what to do with it. Buying Flirt for Dawn was one of the better decisions that I've made in my life. There's no doubt that these two will be pals forever.

And then there's Valentine's Day in kindergarten. . . . yet another grandchild activity that I missed because of my employment in Big Valley. Nuts. Well, there's always first grade. I'll be home by then.

Here's Grace waiting for her bevy of cards from all of her buds in the classroom.



And Grace has these Marilyn Monroe moments when she's around all of the boys who are crazy for her. The little guy in the red shirt is convinced he's going to marry Grace.

I told Gracie that this kid has small hands and to forget a marriage to anyone with small hands and small feet.

Yes, mother, I'll grow up someday but not too very soon.

Happy President's Day.

MEET "FLIRT"!

There's a new member of the family. It's daughter Dawn's new Pom, Flirt.

I've not met Flirt but I've heard a lot about her. Apparently she's one ball of fire.

Flirt will fit right in.

TMI TIME!

Here goes for another round of stupid questions and equally stupid answers as only Bob can deliver.

1. what's the sexiest gesture a person you are sexually interested can make?

Am I male? This is a no brainer for the male species: For me it's not so much a gesture but a showing of cleavage. They say that money talks. . . . well, so do tits.


2. what are 3 inevitable things about you?

#1 My sayings - Bob-isms. They always come out. Anyone who knows Bob knows all about things that he says all the time like money talks and bull shit walks. Or, are you feeling me? (That's a street term for do you hear what I'm saying?). What comes around goes around. Life can turn on a dime and it does. Things like that.

#2 I would give most anyone the shirt off my back.

#3 I always show up.


3. How many types of orgasms have you experienced?

Are you talking "well, that was okay" and then there's "I can see stars!", or "Quick, call Rod Sterling - I'm having anout of body experience I want to share with him." And then there's the "Don't move!". Things like that.


4. What asset do you have besides the physical and the material?

Crap. What kind of question is this anyway? What? Like I can play like I have a feminine side? Like I can pretend cry? Are those assets or tools of the trade?


5. what do you want . . . . now?

I 16 oz T-bone steak, mashed potatoes, garlic bread and then sex on the beach (the real deal - are you listening Candace?)


Bonus (as in optional):describe a sexy mind.

Someone who always thinks about 16oz T-boner and sex on the beach. It helps if this person is female.

CANDACE'S SPECIAL DAY

It's the wife's birthday today. Last night we celebrated.

First it was with the family out to dinner at one of Cow Town's best Italian restaurants. It was just totally scrumptious.

Then it was home for cake, ice cream cake and presents.

Here you can see that Zoe's hoping for the best but knowing the worst that there's no getting her paws on any part of the ice cream cake. The wife, daughter Dawn and the grandchild are savoring the moment.

With the help of her mother, Grace painted a picture for her grandmother. Quite the artist, isn't she?

Here Grace is working on a Lite Bright project and taking in all of the adult conversation.







One of the gifts that I bought for the wife was an antique scale (circa 1898) that I bought from a dealer in the Valley. My other gifts were a western style embroidered jean jacket, a suede jacket with turquoise buttons and an amethethist ring.

The kids showered Mom with gifts, too. They were all so very thoughtful.

Then the wife and Grace had to do the Chicken Dance. It seems that the Chicken Dance comes up every time we have a family gathering. Only thing, the wife is the only one who will dance.

In this life there's the doers and then there's the lurkers who watch the movers and shakers.

Life is not a spectator sport. Get out there and shake that thing!

HELL'S BELLS!

I will be in the Valley for Valentine's Day.

The wife will be in Cow Town.

They say timing is everything.

Can I have a raincheck?

SCREECH!!! CAW! CAW! CAW!

One of the schools under my wing is 13 miles east of the three other schools. I drive there every day.

During my daily drive it's not uncommon to see antelope, egrets, deer, duck, geese, ground squirrels, hawks and all kinds of birds.

I pass by a large pond that's filled with water from a hot spring. Regardless of the temperature the pond always boils and steams.

Yesterday I had heard that there were two bald eagles somewhere between here and there. So I looked.

I passed the eagle you see here, turned around and parked the truck right across from where he (or she) was perched. Now if you know Bob you know that he talks to the birds.

Right off the top it was "Caw! Caw! Damn it, Caw!" The eagle just sat and looked down at me as if to say, "What the hell is your problem, buddy." He wasn't gonna go for it and be a screaming eagle.

It was a treat to be that close to what's still regarded as an endangered species. The older I get and the more that I caw, I could be regarded as endangered, too. The government may want to protect me.

When they lock me up please come visit. Please.

Caw! Caw!

MA HAUL HOE!

It's been a little over a year now that we ventured to Hawaii for a couple of weeks. I'm in the mood for warmer weather, sandy beaches, blue drinks and hearing people say, MA HAUL HOE! all the time.

What the hell is Ma Haul Hoe anyway? I always thought a Ho was a hoe.....

We stayed at the Turtle Bay Resort which is close to where Lost is filmed. And you know what, we got lost in the jungle exactly where lost is filmed.

Not funny. The wife kept saying, "I know the way, let's go in this direction." And I'll be damned if we didn't get more lost than we were lost before.

I wouldn't have minded being lost if I had a couple of blue drinks in the backpack to keep my holiday spirits high.
There's this funny looking statue at the resort. I think it serves as a warning as to what happens to guests who don't pay up. My bow legs seem to fit right in.
And then there was the time the wife was going snorkeling. Here she was sitting on a rock getting ready to get in the water when a wave washed right over the top of her.

I was high and dry on the beach looking for another blue drink. The wife is the one for adventure while we're vacationing. I'm the one to hang back, sit back, and lay back.
During our trip we met this dude named Ronald. He had great read hair and lips to match. We partied. We like drank a lot of blue drinks, got naked and did the hot tub scene. I must say that Ronald had a nice butt.

Ronald got really wasted on blue drinks and kept yelling while we were in the hot tub:

"You want fries with that?!

No, you can't have it your way!

More grease! More grease!!

Hey you! Wanna see my Big Mac?!!!"

I didn't understand why Ronald kept yelling out things like that.

Next morning Ronald got up off the coach, said his head hurt, then mentioned he had some flunky job to go to . . . cussing under his breath about damn flipping burgers and funk-a-delic times frying some fries.

We never saw Ronald again.

Maybe we need to head back to the Islands and look this red headed dude up. As if I needed an excuse for a vacation.

8:00 A.M. AND IT'S MINUS FIVE DEGREES

There's a shit load of snow in the Valley and it's right outside my office door.

This morning it was five below zero outside the office. That's nose hair freezing temperature.

So I'm thinking, "What am I doing here?!" Four months to go.

So it's TMI Tuesday. Would someone please tell me what TMI stands for? I can't even guess what that means.

For what it's worth, here is Bob's answers to this week's "quiz":

1. By what nickname(s) were you known as a child?

Fuck Face or Numb Nuts and then they started to call me John Holmes Junior. That's when I got everyone's respect.


2. Do you have a favorite poem and, if so, what is it? Recite it (or a snippet) here, please.

Rose are Red. Violets are blue. I am horny and so are you.


3. What is your greatest regret in life, something that you failed to do that you wish you did?

I have no regrets. None. Why? I think about now and tomorrow. I never think about the regrets of yesterday. Never.


4. You are tired and hungry, but it's too late to cook. If any snack food were available to you, what would you choose and why?

Okay, potato chips, sweet pickles and mustard on bread. Having more than half a heat on helps.


5. What is the oldest item of clothing (not jewelry!) that you wear regularly and what do you love about it?

Underpants. They're from when I was 15 years old. I wear them once a week. They're air conditioned (more than a few holes in them). I love wearing them because I think I'm still 15 and in love with someone who later became a lesbian. I like the lesbian part best.

Bonus (as in optional):Name a movie or TV show that changed your thinking or behavior.

Well, it's not Ozzie and Harriet. It has to be the 6 o'clock news. The more I learn about America the more I want to leave it. "Hello, Canada? Will you take one more disenchanted American citizen in?"

Pictures I've posted today are the real deal as of 8 this morning and where I've been working since October.

Makes your nipples stand one end, don't it?

:)