WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Wanting to make the most of my time in Cow Town I scheduled three medical appointments for yesterday.
First was a visit with my physician who happens to be female. Some dude touching private parts doesn't cut it with Bob. Call me homo-phobic but it just doesn't seem natural.
Dr: I need to check your prostrate.
Me: I need lyrics.
Me: Lyrics, you know, the words to Moon River so I can sing while you explore the inner most private parts of Bob.
Dr: No lyrics, only latex gloves and KY jelly.
Me: I love it when you talk dirty.
Later on I call the wife.
Me: You know, I actually kind of enjoyed the prostrate exam. Do you think that we could . . .
Women have pelvic exams. Men have prostrate exams. Apart from the KY Jelly that's used, never the twain shall meet.
Then there was the appointment with my dermatologist. See the canister of liquid nitrogen?
It's used to freeze/burn off the barnacles on my face, arms and torso. Areas that are treated form a blister.
I look so pretty this morning.
Visiting my Dermo is always interesting. Craig always has something to say in his dry humor sort of way. His wit makes a torturous experience half way tolerable.
Fair skinned white people need to stay out of the sun or use lots of sun screen. That's one lesson I never learned.
The last appointment of the day happened to be the optometrist.
Dilate the eyes.
Shine bright lights into the eyes while I look up, down and all around.
Pictures of the orbs.
Look through a weird looking machine.
Hear some bad news. One orb has an area that hemorrhaging in its upper most reaches.
Stress? Strain lifting? High levels of cholesterol? Who knows.
Wait three months and have another exam.
Oh, the joys of living.
Driving home with dilated pupils is always an interesting experience. I could hardly see a damn thing. There should be a law against driving under the influence of dilation.
At the end of the day I was pretty tuckered out. What was I thinking when I scheduled three exams in one day?
Did I mention that today there's an annual checkup with my allergist?
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