Sunday, November 30, 2008


When I was 3 or 4 I remember getting up in the morning and finding that my mom and her husband (step daddy) had locked their bedroom door.

"We're resting!", was the cry from inside the locked door. I never quite got what "resting" was all about until later on in life and then the light bulb went on. Duh!

In the autumn of their lives mom would complain that step daddy either wouldn't or couldn't perform. She'd flat out crab about it to my bother and I. . . like we could do anything about it.

It must have been that damn old erectile dysfunction that keep old dad flatter than a run over hot dog in July. And I think old dad was burned out on sex with the old lady anyway. Nothing like a good excuse to get out of fulfilling your manly duties.

If there were a "mom and dad sex tape" I'm not sure that I'd really want to watch it. In fact, I know that I wouldn't do that. Watching a video of the folks do whatever they did behind a closed, locked door would have been more information than I ever wanted about that part of their life. That would be really kind of over the top or gross when you get right down to it.

Wifey and I don't have a sex tape. Sex tapes always end up in the wrong hands and besides, I don't want something like that to be part of my legacy once Bob has headed to the happy hunting grounds.

A few years back we gave the kids, by mistake a video camera that came with a bag that had tapes we had recorded. We meant to give them another recorder but somehow Wifey handed them the wrong piece of equipment.

When the kids returned the camera and tapes they gleefully announced, "We watched your videos and couldn't find your sex tape." Like there was a sex tape, kids. Not. The look on their faces was interesting as if they had searched in anticipation for a deep, dark secret Wifey and I had, knowing that it just had to be in the pile of tapes they were about to watch. The kids were thinking that Dad always talks about Carnival Sex. Now is our chance to see what that's all about.

Sorry to disappoint you, kids.

So you see, it's a good idea not to have a sex tape in the event someone, by mistake, gets a hold of it and one day you find yourself in all your glory on the Internet. Ooops!

As for Carnival Sex, do you know what that's all about? Do you really?

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Anonymous said...

My sex tape was stolen when they robbed the house. Can I sign up somewhere online to get royalties?

Bob said...

Anonymous: Probably the same place where Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson get their royalties . . . was the tape worth watching? :)

Flyinfox_SATX said...

I could not agree with you more...somethings are left unsaid. Besides, sex tapes of me would be rather boring...

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Whiskeytown Lake, Very Northern California, United States