After You Hit a Home Run:
A Guide for Major League Baseball Players.
BY Kate Hahn
1. Point to God.
2. Kiss necklace.
3. Kiss your hands, biceps, and shoulders. Kiss each finger, individually.
4. Begin running.
5. At first base, stop, mount podium your agent has rolled out for you, and make thank you speech.
6. Kiss your own mouth, for making such a beautiful speech.
7. Run slowly, very slowly to second. Raise your hands in the air to make the crowd cheer louder. Fist pump! Monster face! Gorilla gallop! Back flip! (Kidding, you're not in that kind of shape.) It's like you are the only player who has ever hit one out of the park!
8. At second base, call agent on cell and demand endorsement deal with God.
9. Between second and third, tackle opposing team's shortstop and ask him, "Who the man? Who the man?" Dance on his chest, pointing to the sky.
10. At third base, build a small church. Invite select group of international dignitaries to attend your first sermon. Preach about how God will make you rich if you follow the right path, especially if it's an uninterrupted path around a major league baseball diamond.
11. Refuse to cross home plate until you have warmed up for your happy dance.
12. Jump on home plate and do happy dance. This should be a signature move that fans associate only with you, or it can be from Footloose, which everyone loves. Either way, it should include pointing at the sky.
13. Do a chicken-walk toward the dugout, emphasizing a head nod at the catcher. This shows the fans you have a sense of humor about yourself. Plus it subtly reminds them to buy your bobblehead doll.
14. Enter dugout. High five your teammates. One high five is not enough! Allot ten minutes. Refuse to come out of dugout again until your agent has gotten you the endorsement deal with God.