Wednesday, December 01, 2010

You Are Cleaning That Up!

People who don't clean up after their dogs are on my shit list.  Yeah, how about that . . .anyone who doesn't pick up their dogs poop should be on everyones shit list.  How very appropriate.

There's one freaking person in our neighborhood who walks their dog every day.  And every day their dog poops on the sidewalk and it is not cleaned up.  It's like this dog doesn't poop one pile . . . there's about a half dozen or more large poop balls all along a 150 foot or more stretch of sidewalk.  We're not talking a small pup. .. it takes a large canine to poop these babies.  And this dog can't just take one poop.    Would I ever love to catch that idiot leaving piles of of his dog's poop on the sidewalk.  So would a lot of our neighbors. 

So yesterday I'm at the computer.  I can see the front lawn from where I sit.  Along comes a couple with a little Chee Wow Wa.  They stop in front of our house.  The dog strolls onto our front yard grass and casually takes a major small dog crap like it's on its own turf.  At that very moment I'm thinking about Clint Eastwood growling, "Get Off My Lawn!" and want so badly to open the window and shout just that.  But I sit in my chair at the computer and wait for the owners to pick up the poop off of my lawn.  I think, they will clean up after their dog, won't they?

So the small dog who craps like a St. Bernard finishes what seems like an endless poop.  I'm thinking how can one little dog poop so much.  What the hell do its owners feed it anyway? 

Finally the dog moves off the lawn and the owners start to walk away.  The Clint Eastwood in me comes on strong as I head to the front door.  Damn, I'm seeing red and boy am I pissed.  The nerve of some people to allow their dog to shit on my lawn and then walk away.....   Before the dog and its owners can get very far I fling open the front door with major authority and yell out with major MAJOR authority, "YOU ARE GOING TO CLEAN THIS UP, AREN'T YOU?!"

They look and meekly reply, "We were going to do that but don't have anything to clean it up with.  We'll be back."

Yeah, right you were, you worthless SOB's.

Me:  "You bet you'll be back.  I'll be waiting." 


I know where these idiots live.  If they didn't return to clean up their dog's shit I was prepared to eat major Mexican, 3 Polish sausages, 7 hardboiled eggs that evening and accumulate one nasty bowel movement.  Next day before dawn Bob was going to crap major Bob crap on their lawn and leave another pile right by their front door.  That would fix them big time.  A Bob calling card would be the gift that keeps on giving.  Hohohohohoho!  'Tis the season, don't ya know?

Lucky for these clowns they returned shortly and cleaned every speck of poop off of the lawn.  They're no fools for they surely know that hell hath no fury than Bob's lawn pooped on and left.


Dog owners who take their dogs for walks without a poop bag should be shot on sight.  And I'm just the guy to lock, load and pull the trigger.

You bet your sweet ass.

After the two idiots cleaned up the poop wife looks at me and smiles, "They're lucky they cleaned it up, aren't they?"

To which I replied, "Wifey, you know me too well."

And that's the name of that tune.


La Roo said...

You go Bob!! I totally agree with you. You made me laugh so hard reading this post. I needed that! People are so disrepectful. There's a little part of me that wished they didn't come back to pick it up because I would have loved to hear the revenge post. :)

Bob said...

Well, I'm glad you liked it. Wifey didn't like the post and hoped the neighbors didn't read it. Like the neighbors know about and read this blog. . . not really. And if they did I would hope they choked on every word.

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Whiskeytown Lake, Very Northern California, United States