Sunday, November 22, 2009

Life is not always fair

Gracie's other grandmother (The mother to Gracie's mom) checked into the hospital last week.  Grammy #2 wasn't feeling well.  The first hospital she checked into couldn't find anything wrong and passed her over to an assisted care facility for some rehab.  That didn't work out as Grammy #2 still didn't feel right.  Time for a second opinion at another hospital.

Second hospital did tests.  And more tests.  At the conclusion of the tests it has been determined that Grammy #2 at age 62 is dying and nothing can be done to reverse it.  That has come as quite a shock to everyone except Bob.  Life long habit of smoking.  Life to extreme excesses.  Grammy #2 has done a number on herself.  I hate being right.

There's a vigil at the hospital.  Family members take turns sitting with poor Grammy #2 who most likely won't live the week out.  Unfortunately - or maybe fortunately, Grammy #2 is so doped up she has no clue who is sitting with her and what time of day it is.  The medical staff feel it's better to keep her pain free as they opine that it's much more difficult to achieve that level if left un-medicated and alert.

I've cried over this.  But the tears were not so much for the dying but for those soon to be left behind.  The tears were also in memory of how each of our parents died and the effect their loss had on both of us.  Years later those wounds still sting.

Why is it that we know death comes sooner of later and that the process of birth/life/death/infinity woven into our existence . . . that's we're so unprepared for it?  When death knocks on the door it often comes as a shock.  A surprise.  We're ripped to pieces.   The general sentiment is that life can be so very unfair. 

I wonder if in her last hours if Grammy #2 is going over her life and answering fundamental questions.

Have I lived fully?

Have I loved well?

Have I just been taking up space?

One would hope or pray that the answers could come up, Yes, Yes and Nope.

What would your answers be?


DNA said...

Wow, what a post Papa Watson. So sorry to hear this and how it is affecting you. I do on occasion, and sometimes if I have the time, at school, wonder about this. (Even at my age.) If I died on the way to school, would I know I left this earth with a clear conscience? The answer is always a resounding yes. I have loved, I have given with grace, I have been blessed, and I try not to take anything for granted. The most important thing is that I have been forgiven. God distributes rewards based on grace, not works. He does not love us because we are lovely but because He is loving. From Matthew 20:1-16 Hope this helps. Age 62 is way too early to leave this world. It certainly gives a whole new meaning to Thanksgiving, doesn't it? Take care~

La Roo said...

I'm not a religous person, but I do believe we are all here for a reason.
We have been through that experience up close and personal and it just leaves you numb and wondering who is next, what did they do to deserve this, this isn't fair, just...why?
My biggest fear in life is death. It passes through my brain at least once a day. I scare myself by loving people so much. I think if I could just not care so much it wouldn't hurt so bad. Like you said, you hurt for the people that are left behind.
To answer your questions,
I can't complain, my life has made me feel full.
I've loved deep.
Earlier in life, I felt I was just taking up space. Today....I feel I am worth something and have a lot to give.

I'm sorry to hear of Grammy #2's passing. I'm sure she will be missed. She will live in loved ones hearts. That's what we can all hope for.

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